This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
You know how hard it is to drive a dirtbike down a road with 2 plants of weed on your lap. Fucking hard
One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
I've never seen a dude bust out of his jacket and rock an air banjo like u
Just bought a gingerbread house kit and pregnancy tests. Happy holidays.
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Seeing someone hit Themselves in the balls with someone else's hand is amazing. I love being the sober one
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Gotta say, self-deprecating Lord of the Rings-themed sex jokes were not on my agenda for today.
Randomize
