We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
So...it's hour 4 of day 5 of week 7 of my internship, and so far all ive done is shred paper. all. day. long. it's like working for Enron.
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
If man night ends at some point, hit me up and let me prove my vagina still exists.
sorry to break it to you, but he's definitely fucking that other girl now...
I wish I still at least had the bruises on my ass to remember him by.
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
Can I come over and use your shower? My roommate got drunk last night and took my bathroom door off its hinges
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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