hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I am standing at the lion i publicly humped last night. i am mortified.
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Ok just don't go to jail. I saw your account balance. It can't take that.
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
After you passed out we took your car to the campus and stole a 150lb plaque that's now in your trunk. Happy birthday!
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
Dude you literally tried to cook your phone in the microwave. You were so wasted you asked your mom to help you turn it on.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
Dude, you ever snap awake on the toilet at work with that panicked, "How long have I been here?!" feeling??
He graduated. He’s not my GA anymore. He’s just the 24 year old that’s helping me put a sexless marriage in the rear view mirror by exploring the Kama sutra with me
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