well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
Boobs. All I remember is boobs.
I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
Direct quote from her that tipped me off I was getting some: "I want to jump on his shoulders and wrap my legs around his face"
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
Randomize
