Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.
I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
My liver hurts and I just woke up from my first sleep in two days
Sounds like the perfect vacation
when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
If you're staying here tonight, you need to promise me you won't make another bonfire in the lounge room. My girl is still pissed about that.
Says the girl who left her friends to go have phone sex in the bathroom at Michael's
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
I just found a reminder in my phone to ask you about your sex life in 7 years. So how is that going?
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Randomize
