the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
I started the year with 2,800 dollars and am now down to 83 dollars-one of which i use to snort my focalin. I have given up on food and am perplexed as to how I can make 82 dollars last more than two weekends for booze
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
Just realized the fur coat I am wearing to the wedding is the one I had sex with the groom in
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
Just consider it? What else do you have going on today that could be as awesome as a day full of lord of the rings and sex?
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
Randomize
