So I got hit on by a gay guy. It might have something to do with the fact that I licked his nose.
And why did you do that?
Tequila
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Now that my 6 day bender is behind me, I just realized I might have been the one who took a shit in our mailbox that past few days.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
After i black out, be a good friend and point me to the direction of a girl with daddy issues, any girl would do just fine
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
That's right. I just LL Cool J'ed you up in this bitch. Zero fucks.
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
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