Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Just spent the last of my lifesavings on (what i hope is enough of) alcohol. Hello summer.
Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
There is a goat eating lettuce out of our fridge. Do you wanna grab a bloody mary?
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
