I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?
Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Have a glass of wine with dinner they said. Your hydrocodone has worn off they said... NOPE
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
Randomize
