u know what's depressing? a picture of an owl without a graduation cap
mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad
I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
threw up in a bar last night and got laid on an air mattress. my bucket list just got a lot shorter
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
A guy just washed his hands in the toilet. No joke
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
Just so were clear your wife is cut off from my dick.
Randomize
