I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I should probably add her on Facebook for as much as I cheat off her in Physics, huh?
Randomize
