Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Wait, we're on the hunt for addys and explosives. They're both in this house somewhere.
Fine then. I'll just do all this coke on my own this weekend and die. It'll be strictly your fault.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
HOLY FUCK I almost floated out of the city. Thank god my dog kept me down.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
I'M HANGING OUT WITH THE DRUG DEALER UPSTAIRS JUST SO I CAN STEAL HIS WIFI PASSWORD, I HOPE Y'ALL LOVE ME.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
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