you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.
Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.
so i say "rick dont build that sandcastle" and he "says ok i wont" then i wake up and its sandcastle fucking city all over my apartment
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
Well you were listening to music and having sex really loudly. How was I supposed to know you'd hear me making rocket sounds?
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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