you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm just going to take the mature adult root and ignore him for a bit, and then pretend like I didn't see him jerking off.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
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