yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.
So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
She pregamed while taking a shower. Came out clean and drunk.
Randomize
