My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer
Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
At this point it's more of an experiment to see how much actual bush growth is possible. See, being single can be both educational and surprisingly comfy!
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Randomize
