The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
perhaps when you are drinking red wine from a tall glass with a straw it is time to call it a night.
i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth
well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
There's some muscle relaxers in my bedside table. Sorry if my dildo is in the bathroom.
Which one of you fuckers thought itd be funny to see if the kitchen table can float.
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Apparently chalking everything I've done these past 48 hours to the fact that it was homecoming, is like a "get out of jail free" card.
I just got a hug from a random kid in my class. he said I was a champ at the bar last night..someone help me.
Randomize
