No, I'm talking to this Chinese girl. Can't understand a word she's saying, but i think i caught the word vagina a few times.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I ditched my one night stand in the hotel lobby. How did he add me on Snapchat?
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
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