And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
I just got a standing ovation when i made it to work on New Years Day. good thing?
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
There are paw prints all over my ceiling.
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
I think I'm just gonna be a cat and wear slutty black clothes with some eyeliner on my face and pretend my ears got stolen by a drunk guy
Nothing brings compassion from a group of cafe workers like walking in and asking if they have a 'hangover special'
I had my room mate call my phone after last night and it was in an uncooked quesadilla
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Randomize
