So it's 10:55am and I just woke up on the floor in the hallway on the4th floor. There should probably be no moredrinking competetions.
the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
somehow attending a funeral viewing turned into me snorting cocaine in the bathroom and drawing ninja turtles for children
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Why didn't we pregame for this?
Because it's breakfast!?!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
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