u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
he's my edward cullen
I am pretty sure Edward Cullen never had an all-day drinking binge topped off with some blow.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
I am so proud of him. After eating the rest of our shrooms, he finally registered to vote
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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