u cheatin on me?
if i did i would try to upgrade babe.
I actually had to roll up my long sleeves to masturbate. I hate the winter
I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.
I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
He wanted me to strip for him. I told him that we aren't at that serious of a fuck buddy relationship yet
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
All I ever do is give guys anxiety problems and flaccid penises.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
I love you.
Bad choice
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
Randomize
