I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
Also, I threw up on the playground again. I've honestly had more fun there this past summer than I did in my entire childhood.
Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
I want my birthday to be like the hunger games where all the contenders for my vaj have to fight each other off to win the prize
Can I have the second place winner?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
But he said I was unpatriotic for not having sex with him. What was I suppose to say to that?
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