What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Dude, didn't you know? Its balls out wednesday.
Fuck. I'm going to pass the savings right on to the strippers. It's trickle down economics.
I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"
Holy shit there is too much Taco Bell here to talk to you
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
You know you're gay when you have to have your coworkers explain to you why your bracket is terrible
Really though. It's your life, live it how you want
And I do mostly. Which is why I'm now drunk in my room writing erotica
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
