i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
It's a shame that I don't know his last name. Actually, it's an ever bigger shame that I don't know his first name
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.
I always enjoy the bewildered gaze as I buy chips, salsa and beer @ 0745.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I'm a terrible friend...i should have come right over instead of having sex for an hour and a half. :/ want anything from burger king?
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
she's a drunken disney princess. so basically me if i had a crown and no desire for independence.
He's giving me the absolute bare minimum amount of attention. Like whatever motherfucker, I've had like six super likes on tinder today
Congratulations! We have a period
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
