Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."
lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.
so i was pissing and the phone rang but i forgot i was pissing so i just ran to answer the phone. it was too late when i realized
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
I mean. If you don't have time I understand, but my dick doesn't.
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.
I came out, you were peeing on the car and when I asked why you said it deserved it because its a rental
I can't turn off my feet"
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I just masturbated to the thought of him straight up talking to me. to us having a conversation. What the hell.
I met his parents. We played twister. My boob popped out.
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
