Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
We pulled over so he could pee and the next thing I know he's running down the hill by himself with his pants down
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
Somewhere between the 30 minutes of cunnilingus, the improvised song about the Olympics, and the super thoughtful shower beer... I knew I married the right guy
You tried to pay for our cab with the 2 dollars you got from selling your natty ice outside the strip club.
tonights mission is daddy issue patrol - we wear old spice and drink gin martinis and see who reacts.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Have you seen that new toaster that burns your pics to toast? Let's drink some booze and discuss what I have I mind.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I thought we agreed to no sexting at the school bake sale...
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
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