fyi, take the long route to the library. the "can i be your baby daddy?" homeless man migrated back for winter
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.
Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.
Is it wrong in Austin to talk to the homeless while I feed a bird my chips??
He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
No I don't want to see you. You're the reason that I'm going to need a new liver by the time I'm 30.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
You know that gay bartender? Not as gay as we thought.....
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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