i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you were asking all the dicks on chatroulette if they had daddy issues
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
Was the mom I hooked up with decently attractive I feel like her two friends were hotter
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
I need a new pic for your contact id. Because your boobs popping up when I'm having dinner with my grandma or, ya know, when kids have my phone isn't so good.
How do you explain to a guy that he's like a little puppy dog that you play with, but then leave at the shelter to go home to your German Shepard?
So it's official the pockets of my work apron exist solely for the purpose of secretly flipping off asshole customers and not losing my job.
I don't remember his name. I had whataburger on my mind and in my hands so I wasnt really listening
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
The list of people who didn't throw up last night is insanely smaller than the list of people who did
So it was a successful night I take it?
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
