There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
I swear to god there was like a 2-second timespan in which he went from laughing to coughing, hiccuping, and subsequently projectile vomiting into the grass. There is literally a line in the grass, about 2 yards long, of his puke. It was more impressive than disgusting to be honest. And then he just shrugged and said "I have no idea where that came from."
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
He's been pretending to be gay for 3 months in order to get free weed.
I'm the girl holding the bag of goldfish
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
