you dont want to live with me, im always naked, a chronic masturbator, a bit of a voyeur and will likely touch you while you sleep. ps- i can pick locks
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
He asked if I wanted to blow his flute? Please call me and pretend there is a family emergency!!!
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
My vagina has made plenty life decisions and I would like to point out very few if not any of them were in my favor.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
Whose house did we sneak into and play beer pong for 4 hours at last night?
I honestly have no idea
anything below 65° is too cold to be naked on a roof
Randomize
