I'm jealous of your bromance
Just puked in a mcdonalds cup while driving. Didn't even swerve.
he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.
Did you wake up with "jello shots" stamped on your hand too?
You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
I'm going to get old and fat one day... probably pretty soon and I'm not going to have any pictures to show to my cats of what I once looked like.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
I just saw a cat, if i ate those mushrooms 15 minutes earlier i wouldn't have made it to the bar
Randomize
