that's when I learned why R Kelly peed on that bitch
I cut my penus on the lid.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
I am the Angelina Jolie to his Billy Bob Thorton. We just don't work.
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Just sold our expired ticket for a free night of bowling to a drunk guy downtown for 50 bucks. Ill buy beer on my way home
Let's just say when I woke up I was still drunk. My hangover hit me around noon so I chilled w my dad and took a bath and shower at the same time. You just can't do that at college
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
