just came on the shower curtain. sorry housekeeping.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
well when do great stories at the expense of people's relationships become a bad thing?
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
your ability to divide cases of beer among any given group of people equally was missed.
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Oh ya, I forgot to tell you, last night I woke up to the sound of you peeing on the floor next to the fridge, didn't remember until now. Have fun at Dayton!
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
No way in hell. Unless I was drunk Tindering again....my swiping finger gets drunk too I guess
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
