there should be a rule- if you jizz on it, you wash it
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
Okay so for future reference and your own safety I should probably tell you that it is not cranberry juice in that bottle on the kitchen table.
Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?
I have got to stop letting people hang ornaments from my nipple ring.
Tis the season.
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
You came into the club around midnight with a carton of tropicana o.j. & said you were starting a revolution.
Drunk is a universal language darling
I woke up handcuffed to a bed wearing nothing but an army belt. Does this count as thanking our country?
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
