Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
Its official. Iv'e been kicked out of a bar in every state. I would like to take my job and travel time for allowing this to happen.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department
We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...
Let me refresh your memory. New Year's Eve in the back of my car you grabbed my hand and said feel my tumor on my butthole and at that moment I swear we were infinite
I picked a bad day to wear the catch me fuck me shoes.
Did someone catch you and fuck you?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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