Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
it was really awkward, he kept trying to get on the bed with us and we kept having to kick him back on the floor.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.
im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am
she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
i decided this morning while eating my breakfast of red bull and cold pizza that i should take a vow of celibacy
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
