I'm sorry for everything. i woke up with two citations stapled to my shirt.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I didn't mind you coming over, just I'm quite sure most booty calls don't involve a scavenger hunt...
Just walked in and got handed a drink. Good service
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Randomize
