This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
At least I know she didn't hear me crawl to my room. Or did I walk on my hands? Fuck if I know.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Dude, someone broke the toilet seat in two, the is a pair of panties on the kitchen counter, and the entire house smells like a brewery
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
I'm 99.9% sure the people upstairs are using walki-talkies to talk to each other across the room. Too high for this shit
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Just used my flashlight app to find a gummy lifesaver I dropped on the floor
I like how you're utilizing your resources
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
I just masturbated at work... Don't know why but I thought you should know
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