Went to gas station for smokes. three cops pulled in. got gas i didn't need. found diff gas station.
good choice.
this girl literally referred to her butthole as her "back pussy"
He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
A Bum and I jusst hugged. its not even 8 pm.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
I woke up to realize my keys were on the front porch. Also so was I. So close yet so far
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
He was 6'8" - I shit you not! He sat up in my bed and the ceiling fan got him right in the forehead.
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
