my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
Randomize
