So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.
Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Lost my credit card. M has a bottle of blood in her pocket from a hobo.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
What do you mean? Just eat his food and have sex with him. Unless you want a relationship, then just eat his food.
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
Just because I'm asexual doesn't mean I can't have a revenge fuck.
Randomize
