i bet jesus would rush if he went to usc
i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
Am I the only one creeped out by the guy asleep behind our couch?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
christmas shopping: 3 hours in the liquor store...
Snorted a dorito chip for 1$. Cross that off the bucket list.
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