He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"
just so you know... i was wasted last night, but the evening is coming back to me in flashes... i made you eat gravy last night, didn't i?
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
Yeah well tell that to drunk me. She seems to have no standards or gender preference.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
