you threw up in someones recycling bin and left a note apologizing. how drunk do you think you were?!
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
You know, be my cock's hype man.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I have chafed skin from the handy she gave me. I told her that and she said return the favor when it heals. I'm in love.
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
Randomize
