Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
do u think i could put an abortion on my debit card?
At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
I just want to meet whoever runs the hall cameras
hahahaha I don't. Watch one day i'll be walking along and someone will stop me and say "oh you're that one girl who is out. of. control." But then they'd probably give me a high five.
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
Her weave came out on the dance floor. She was twerking and shaking one minute and her hair flew across the dance floor the next. Great way to be introduced to the family
We were making fun of some people having sex on the beach, an hour later we were having sex on a golf course
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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