Nothing too bad. Lost a stuffed horse on a stick and tore my clothes off. Again.
in vegas stuck in the middle of a pride right now
Pride?
thats a pack of cougars
go fuck yourself
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.
I'm beginning to feel kind of at home at Police stations
he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.
no pressure.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
You have to summon your inner elephant
He threw up on my head while I was blowing him, and then I started barfing, and the kitchen floor was a mess. Believe me, he will never, ever live this down.
I think I might start referring to your vagina as a separate being now
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Randomize
