Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.
i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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