I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.
...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
He ran into the room yelling "attack! Attack!", jumped on top of me on the air mattress, popped the air mattress, and then we had victory sex, because he was proud of popping it.
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
No just a list of 20 of my favorite things
Where are penises on the list
Where am I on the list
Under penises
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
