Having a random hookup so left but love u
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Just grabbing my bra from a history teacher's desk in the Humanities building. Maybe I should stop drinking on weeknights
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
She's been drunk for three days now
Like three straight days. 72 hours
She's been covered in glitter for the last two and somehow she found a monkey
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
wait i saw you last night?
we found you ass naked on the couch covered in pillows.
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
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